Welp, turns out I am sincerely unlucky. In my previous post I mentioned that my hand doctor had a suspicion that not only were my hand/arm problems being caused by a pesky ganglion cyst, but possibly carpal tunnel syndrome too. I had hopes that it was just the cyst, because having both would mean a combination surgery to fix both issues, which obviously sounds terrible. No such luck, darn it. But at least I don’t have an auto immune disorder? That was unlikely anyway but hearing that it was a possibility still freaked me out.
I am scheduled to have both carpal tunnel nerve release and ganglion removal next week. I guess the best thing about the combo is that with both things my surgeon will be putting me under general anesthesia– if it was just one or the other he’d do it under local and I would be AWAKE WHILE HE CUT AT MY HAND! As much as I’m dreading the pain of surgery and the recovery (one week in a bandage with stitches that can’t get wet and then four weeks of minimal hand usage– and I’m left handed!!), I am thankful to have it all over with and to finally get the fully functional use of my left arm back. In reality it will be a very quick, easy, minor procedure and there’s really nothing for me to worry about.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why I haven’t exactly felt like myself for the past several months. I touched on it in my last post about how I went from highest of highs to nothing to do, but I think there’s a little more to it. I am the type of person that craves and completely thrives on routine. I am a planner, a scheduler, a control freak (as much as it pains me to admit it, it’s true). When I don’t feel like I’m successfully completing my routine, I feel sad. And then when I feel sad, I lack motivation. And then I get even more out of my routine. The cycle continues. This lack of motivation has somehow crept it’s way in to so many aspects of my life. My eating– I eat too much, I gain a little weight, I feel fluffy, I feel sad about it, it drains my motivation to do things like meal prepping, I keep eating poorly, I gain more weight, etc. My training– I fall off the structured running wagon, I feel sad and miss running, my sadness makes me avoid it, I skip more runs, etc. My productivity — I slack off on things like menu planning, house work, organization, I feel cruddy about how lazy I am, my cruddy mood makes me not feel like doing ___ task, I skip the task more, I feel sad…. Do you see what I mean? It sounds so stupid and obvious but I find myself trapped in this cycle constantly lately and I’m TIRED OF IT.
Of course, there are other factors at work here. My wrist pain has been a real distraction and detriment to my daily life, I’m trying to come off my birth control pills (NO WE DON’T WANT A BABY PLEASE DON’T ASK) because I feel like they might be part of the problem but also coming down from them is making me feel slightly crazy, Scott’s sister who has lived with us for a year is moving out this month, my work life is changing considerably because I’m getting a new boss which makes me HIGHLY anxious because I adore my current boss… But the bottom line is this: I feel better and happier when I am taking care of myself and getting shit done.
I feel like I have hit the bottom, the self pity and sadness cycle has run its course plenty of times, I’m ready to pick myself up and take back control. Scott going with his sister to Kentucky this weekend to help her move and get settled in her new place, so I’m taking this alone time and treating it as an opportunity for reset. I’m going to get a pedicure and finish the book I’ve been trying to read, I’m going to go on a run, I’m going to tackle some tasks I have been seriously procrastinating on, and I’m going to do some meal and workout planning. THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE SELF PITY AND MOPEY TUNNEL IS IN MY SIGHT!! After all, fall marathon season is coming up, and 26.2 miles waits for no one.